Note: Guest post by Christina Kingston, tweeting @CtKscribe. More details about Tina after the post.

We all know about the new Twitter, but what about the ‘new NEW Twitter‘?

Twitter-in-2012-new-NEW-Twitter

In the year 2012 Twitter will be rolling out features that are far advanced in the world of science and technology. None of this has been released to the public, until now…

Here’s a look at five spectacular new NEW Twitter features:

1. Super Block:

Hitting the block button on the current new Twitter is practically meaningless. But blocking someone on the new NEW Twitter is genetically proven to erase the unwanted troll.

Twitter-in-2012-new-NEW-Twitter-Super-Block

This new feature detects the DNA of the person being blocked and instantly inputs it into a global cyber database. The blocked DNA is paired up next to your own genetic markers, creating an impenetrable force field, like the angry side of magnets, of which the two will never meet. The people we block shall not cross our paths again, in any capacity whatsoever, forever.

NOTE: If the person you block has an identical twin, that twin will also be removed off your radar. This is something to strongly consider before pressing the button.

2. Quote Transference:

In an effort to generate fresh food for thought, Twitter is devising a cheap and efficient way to exhume the brains of famous dead guys, extracting slivers of their membrane to surgically implant the cells into your own head.

Twitter-in-2012-new-NEW-Twitter-Quote-Transference

You will instantly have pithy, intelligent words of wisdom and hilarity from the likes of Twain, Wilde and Rilke at the touch of your fingertips. Since the words will technically be your own there is no need to place the typical “#quote” hash tag at the end of your tweet. However, if the words are presented on Twitter as your own original content, of course, none of your followers will retweet it, but you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing you’re an interesting person, with the secret aid of a famous dead guy.

NOTE: As this feature is a permanent part of your brain, it also works well in the office, at parties, and in the mall, not just Twitter. It’s a major step towards integrating Twitter into the general populace. In 2012 the much heralded social networking site will reach far beyond their current diehard member base, which currently consists of the unemployed, pretending-to-be employed and the home-alone, eating a lot, user.

3. Jetpack Customization:

Nothing future-oriented would be complete without a jetpack. Twitter knows this and thus has created a versatile, time-saving app as a complimentary addition to every jetpack.

Twitter-in-2012-new-NEW-Twitter-JetPack

This extraordinary application includes perpetually instant Foursquare tweet outs as well as a handsfree voice to tweet transcription system and spontaneous Twitpic entries. On Foursquare you will become the Sky Mayor of whatever building you’re levitating over. For instance if you’re air cruising above a graveyard, thus everyone else is dead, you’ll instantly become the Sky Mayor of Corpses. And this will be Twitpic’d instantly; featuring your feet and the view of graves below.

NOTE: The only downside of this spontaneous location detector is the potential increase in divorce rates and unemployment. For instance, if you’re visiting your lover or slacking off at a café instead of being where you claim to be, the consequences can be detrimental. Read the Terms of Service, search “privacy settings,” paying very close attention to this new NEW Twitter feature, before strapping on your jetpack.

4. Speed of Light Dating:

Twitter is well aware that a large percentage of users are there to flirt and eventually hookup for sex. Thus in 2012 Twitter makes it fast and efficient to cut out the busywork of cyber dating.

Twitter-in-2012-new-NEW-Twitter-SpeedDating

In a new side panel, only available via the web version, you will be able to enter in the @ username of whichever person has begun sending you nudes and DM flirtations. Quite similar to the “Super Block” button this function instantly, in lightning speed, retrieves the genetic coding of your potential one-night stand, and processes it through a system called: “STD: Statistical Truth Dating” which assesses the possible suitor’s heritage. It also downloads a transcribed list of stored memories nestled inside their temporal lobe. All of which allows each party to be aware of past sexual history, failed relationship truths, family dynamics and any illegal impulses a person may have.

NOTE: As a bonus this brilliant feature also provides an important heads-up for Social Media climbers attempting to harness professional and seemingly friendly “relationships.” Pop in the @ username of any “Social Media Guru” and get the facts on which butt is worth kissing and which should be swiftly kicked to the curb.

5. Out of this World Monetization:

In an effort to throw aliens off track, before they annihilate us and destroy planet earth, Twitter partners with NASA to create an intricate financial system that pays Americans for each character they tweet.

Twitter-in-2012-new-New-Twitter-Monetize-ALIEN

All 140 character messages are blasted into hyperspace landing directly in the hands of hostile extraterrestrials. In tech terms this is referred to as a tweet rocket. This rocket is devised to confuse space aliens by perpetually clogging their highly advanced brains with mass disinformation. The funds allotted per tweet become a part of the participating tweeters future social security payments, of which currently there are none. But the government promises change.

NOTE: This financial functionality is only available for United States Citizens because Aliens don’t pay attention to what foreigners are doing (for more documentation on this fact, watch a Hollywood movie.)

Are there any other futuristic Twitter features you’ve heard will appear in the 2012 relaunch? Or features you would love to have? Please list them below. We would love to hear from you.

Author box:

ctkscribe-Christina-KingstonAuthor name: Christina Kingston

Bio: Christina Kingston is a humor writer of fiction and non-fiction. She has written professionally on the cult of celebrity, fashion, gossip, music, travel and nightlife. She also works as a social media strategist. You can follow Christina on Twitter @CtKscribe and visit her f’king witty blog CtKingston.com. If you are a Facebook user, you might want to check out Kingston’s post “A Kick-Ass Way to Streamline Your Facebook Experience“. Want to know more about Christina, her blog and testimonials? Check out her ‘About‘ page.

My views: If you’re not following Christina on Twitter (or) connect with her in Facebook yet, you’re missing something awesome! She is such a terrific person to engage with; talk straight with you; bold, smart, creative, entertaining, sarcastically humorous… Well, need I say more; just follow her! Sample: this post. ;-)

P.S. If you like to do a guest post on arkarthick.com, please contact me HERE with the subject line : Guest Post (or) send me a DM on Twitter @arkarthick.

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  • Chronoleon

    At 1st, i thought it was some serious article, but im rolling on floor. :)
    Thx prolonging my life. :)

    • http://ctkingston.com Christina @CtKscribe Kingston

      Chronoleon, Twitter wants you to live forever and so do I. Stick around, I hear in 2015 they’ll be rolling out the Tweet Hologram! #Shhhhh, this is a secret.

  • http://mohanarun.com Mohan Arun L.

    [2012] And everybody can tweet from their brain because artificial brains or brain implant chips will be available with way to connect to twitter etc.

    • http://ctkingston.com Christina @CtKscribe Kingston

      Mohan, I think Facebook may introduce the artificial brain/implant chips in 2011, a whole 12 months before Twitter does it. I heard the Twitter staff is terrified of this, going insane, scrambling to be first… we’ll see what happens.

  • http://jeannevb.com Jeanne Bowerman

    Great post, Christina. You have the best understanding of what new features Twitter needs to get cracking on!

    • http://ctkingston.com Christina @CtKscribe Kingston

      Jeanne I think with your busy lifestyle you could get the jetpacks for you and the whole family. Imagine how easy it’d be to have together time hovering above random buildings, plus add a jetpack laptop for writing scripts and Skyping friends + business contacts. You score! I hear it comes equipped with a tequila holster too! BTW, drinking and jetpacking is not illegal.Thank you love.

  • http://www.thetop10blog.com Tony Hastings

    I had heard a whisper that there would be a new feature, the ‘Twitter Titter’. This is not what you may at first think but is in fact a measurement of the mirth of a Tweet.

    Something mildly amusing will result in a mild titter (hence the name) emanating from your speakers right up to a full on guffaw for something really hilarious. No more waiting around for false praise from someone who wants you to follow them, you will be able to get immediate feedback on the merits of your humorous efforts.

    Great post, thanks Tina & Karthick

    • http://ctkingston.com Christina @CtKscribe Kingston

      Tony, I like this whispered about new feature you’ve heard about. Titters, guffaws, mirthing gone wild. Twitter has to figure out a way to monetize these laughs. Maybe the collective voices can become new laugh tracks for some of America’s top sitcoms? As well as used to scare terrorists? Thanks mate!

  • http://theformofbeauty.tumblr.com Nini Baseema

    Wow, an impenetrable force field for weirdos. That’s what I call an improvement! Can’t wait for it to happen… Where can I sign up for beta testing?

    • http://ctkingston.com Christina @CtKscribe Kingston

      Nini, everyone in this comment section is immediately entered into Beta! And unlike most Beta testing the new NEW Twitter Beta offers loads of cash for each time you login. So if you login and logout all day long you’ll be rich! Start planning which airplane and mansion you’ll buy for 2010!

  • http://seattledesigner.blogspot.com/ Terri Nakamura

    The innovations contained in this post make my head spin. Thanks, Boss and Tina for really entertaining writing and a great read! PS. Love the author’s bio!

    • http://ctkingston.com Christina @CtKscribe Kingston

      Terri, I didn’t recognize your new avatar (heh heh)
      Thank you for remarking upon the innovations. At first I was nervous about revealing Twitter’s future plans, but now I think since it’s on public record, perhaps they’ll speed up the process and have it ready in 2011. I’ve heard the jetpack has multiple power outlets for plugging in blow dryers, toasters and even miniature ovens if you want to make a pizza!

  • http://ModelSuppliesBlog.com Anita Nelson

    I heard every avatar will be tweaked instantly as part of the upload process to make people more appealing to follow – AND that the EXACT SAME TWEAK occurs on the person’s OWN FACE simultaneously~!!

    • http://ctkingston.com Christina @CtKscribe Kingston

      UPROARIOUS ANITA!
      “I heard every avatar will be tweaked instantly as part of the upload process to make people more appealing to follow – AND that the EXACT SAME TWEAK occurs on the person’s OWN FACE simultaneously~!!”

      UPROARIOUS!
      *and greatly needed too*heh*

      • http://ModelSuppliesBlog.com Anita Nelson

        Yeah, it’s great, except it will put me out of business ;-) lol

        • http://idiotica.me Christina @CtKscribe Kingston

          Heh!

  • http://dannybrown.me Danny Brown

    First things first – holy tag monster!!! ;-)

    Tina, this is yet more gold from you. Love each point, but the one about Speed of Light Dating and its ability to help social media climbers out? Awesome juice! :)

    • http://easisell.com/blog @clementyeung

      Danny that’s exactly what I thought lol. What is going on with those tags?

      Needless to say I laughed a lot when reading this post. Personally I’m afraid of getting STD’s from Twitter in the near future. Don’t we have some kind of Twitter condom?

      • http://arkarthick.com/ A.R.Karthick

        First of all, thank you very much for the valuable comments, Danny & Clement. Tina will reply to your post comments shortly and I assume you’re visiting my blog for the first time! Albeit it may look a bit unconventional, I hope you’re aware of the fact that categories & tags are different entities where tags are having no limits. As certain tags brings SE traffic more than categories & even before the post itself appearing in the SE results, I used to tag every post like this. I know, sometimes it went like this, as WordPress suggests, sky is the limit for the tags. :-) Apologies if my ‘tags’ monster spooks you out!

      • http://idiotica.me Christina @CtKscribe Kingston

        Clement, I think Facebook has already perfected the social network body condom, via the “hide” option in the “home” view! And they’re currently trying to get the patent on a version of it that covers the same amount of distance, in real space, just like a “restraining order.”

        Twitter may be out of luck on this one. Unless Twitter creates an inner body condom, since the FB virtual rubber is entirely exterior, Twitter still has a shot at scoring with this idea. Hmmm… A liquid, thus drinkable full body condom is doable. I’d do it. We should tap the ass of that idea. And fast!

    • http://idiotica.me Christina @CtKscribe Kingston

      Danny thanks mate and glad you wanted those butt kissing climbers called out for their bad behavior ;) They’ll learn their lesson in 2012!

  • http://www.bitrebels.com Diana Adams

    Girl, you are so fricken funny. Everything about this post is superb, the graphics, the writing, the concept. You are quite an inspiration Ms. Tina!!!!!! ~BIG hugs~

    • http://idiotica.me Christina @CtKscribe Kingston

      Diana, coming from you, I take that as a huge smile of a wonderful compliment. Thank you love! Um… about the uh, graphics, ugh… Lawd Heb Mercy! Maybe I better stop making graphics! Too much time to do it… Someone teach me faster photoshop techniques! {poor me} Thank you Diana! x

  • http://twitter.com/2cre8 Kathy Meyer

    There’s also been rumor that the new NEW Twitter may also include a user’s actual voice for hashtag acronyms. So when you roll the mouse over a hashtag, you’ll actually hear the user’s #LOLs and #ROFLMAOs, just to name a few. Albeit, some LOLs may be very annoying (or creepy), but the beauty is you have a choice who you want to hear! ;D

    • http://idiotica.me Christina @CtKscribe Kingston

      Great future feature idea Kathy! I particularly like having the option to hear only specific people. ha. And being able to avoid all the creepy “LOLs” will eventually help me sleep better at night. Most brilliant. This is why you make the big bucks. X and and O to you!

  • http://www.annetteholland.com Annette @dananner

    ABSOLUTELY loved the blocking and Speed of Light dating.

    • http://idiotica.me Christina @CtKscribe Kingston

      :) Thanks hon.

  • Dave Doolin

    You hit this one perfect, right in stride. Sharp enough to draw just a drop of blood, without cutting too deeply… There’s high art there.

    • http://idiotica.me Christina @CtKscribe Kingston

      Blood Dropping! Hello Dave thanks for reading it and taking time to comment. It’s always good to see you, and it’s been awhile, no Dave on the interwebs. I’m not sure if this one is ‘high art’ but we’ll all be high once we get strapped into our jetpacks.

  • http://www.twitter.com/the_stefan_ Stefan Daniel Bell

    This just in…
    With a 10:1 robot to human ratio on Twitter, a panel was convened to address the issue of how to better match the kind, human behavior of the robots to the human users of the Twitter website. The panel was deadlocked when they found gifts from robots sent as direct messages; after medicating the group- Internet consultants, friends, and human experts Christina Kingston and Jefferson Reid were brought in to help find a solution.

    Long meetings were held with the happy, human-esque, Twitter-Bots and it was amicably decided to add a checkbox in the profile settings to have robot assisted human emulated behavior for human users unable to act “human.”

    Users will need only check the box “Make my profile look like a good person,” and Twitter-Bots will do a live rewrite, much like spell-check (deemed “human-check”) that will enable the human users to look like human friends interacting through the interface. It is considered a major breakthrough. 

    An “Act like a supportive family” checkbox was considered and it was decided it was so preposterous that it would be unrealistic.

    End update.

    ~Christina. T. Exquisite writing, pace, attack, and flow. Your skills as a writer and humorist were well hewn here (as always, and this is one of your best, like the one about the cat…omg). What I Really like is the hit, comment, and share counts. Your work has been ready for a wider audience for years. The editors here were wise to give you room and a platform to shine. 

    Tre-Bravo!!! Bravoliscious. 
    My best to you!
    ~Stefan

    • http://ctkingston.com/exercise-your-frustration-to-achieve-total-hotness/ Christina @CtKscribe Kingston

      Stefan, what a great comment. Loving it.
      “Internet consultants, friends, and human experts Christina Kingston and Jefferson Reid were brought in to help find a solution.”
      ••Jeffers and I are happy to be in this group.••

      “it was amicably decided to add a checkbox in the profile settings to have robot assisted human emulated behavior for human users unable to act “human.”

      BRILLIANT. And I’m more than happy to be a human consultant but I too want my own robot, especially to handle my Twitter and Facebook. Among a few personal/social life things. One that can go out for me to the clubs, social media events, have dinner with clients. Free up my own time to stay home and watch TV.

      “Users will need only check the box “Make my profile look like a good person,” and Twitter-Bots will do a live rewrite, much like spell-check (deemed “human-check”) that will enable the human users to look like human friends interacting through the interface. It is considered a major breakthrough. ”

      AGAIN, BRILLIANT. And I want a cut of the action. The stock will be worth a fortune!

      And THIS “our work has been ready for a wider audience for years. The editors here were wise to give you room and a platform to shine.”
      Thanks so much Stefan. For all your kind words. Coming from your creative mind it’s truly wonderful to hear. And it was a pleasure to guest on Karthick’s blog. We’ll have to do it again sometime. He’s a great guy!

  • http://morucci.blogspot.com/ Mike Morucci

    Loved. It. There’s nothing to add. Brilliant! Jet pack!!!!!! LOMFL

  • http://fun.updateox.com Koel Mallick

    this a awesome post :D
    best part is the note…. that available only for US :P

  • http://techdraginfo.blogspot.com/ shenoyjoseph

    twitter increasing the security features to block the unwanted threats

  • http://twitter.com/aschottmuller Angie Schottmuller

    Is that a lightning bolt coming out of Cupid’s butt?

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