Note: Guest post by Christina Kingston, tweeting @CtKscribe. More details about Tina after the post.
We all know about the new Twitter, but what about the ‘new NEW Twitter‘?
In the year 2012 Twitter will be rolling out features that are far advanced in the world of science and technology. None of this has been released to the public, until now…
Here’s a look at five spectacular new NEW Twitter features:
1. Super Block:
Hitting the block button on the current new Twitter is practically meaningless. But blocking someone on the new NEW Twitter is genetically proven to erase the unwanted troll.
This new feature detects the DNA of the person being blocked and instantly inputs it into a global cyber database. The blocked DNA is paired up next to your own genetic markers, creating an impenetrable force field, like the angry side of magnets, of which the two will never meet. The people we block shall not cross our paths again, in any capacity whatsoever, forever.
NOTE: If the person you block has an identical twin, that twin will also be removed off your radar. This is something to strongly consider before pressing the button.
2. Quote Transference:
In an effort to generate fresh food for thought, Twitter is devising a cheap and efficient way to exhume the brains of famous dead guys, extracting slivers of their membrane to surgically implant the cells into your own head.
You will instantly have pithy, intelligent words of wisdom and hilarity from the likes of Twain, Wilde and Rilke at the touch of your fingertips. Since the words will technically be your own there is no need to place the typical “#quote” hash tag at the end of your tweet. However, if the words are presented on Twitter as your own original content, of course, none of your followers will retweet it, but you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing you’re an interesting person, with the secret aid of a famous dead guy.
NOTE: As this feature is a permanent part of your brain, it also works well in the office, at parties, and in the mall, not just Twitter. It’s a major step towards integrating Twitter into the general populace. In 2012 the much heralded social networking site will reach far beyond their current diehard member base, which currently consists of the unemployed, pretending-to-be employed and the home-alone, eating a lot, user.
3. Jetpack Customization:
Nothing future-oriented would be complete without a jetpack. Twitter knows this and thus has created a versatile, time-saving app as a complimentary addition to every jetpack.
This extraordinary application includes perpetually instant Foursquare tweet outs as well as a handsfree voice to tweet transcription system and spontaneous Twitpic entries. On Foursquare you will become the Sky Mayor of whatever building you’re levitating over. For instance if you’re air cruising above a graveyard, thus everyone else is dead, you’ll instantly become the Sky Mayor of Corpses. And this will be Twitpic’d instantly; featuring your feet and the view of graves below.
NOTE: The only downside of this spontaneous location detector is the potential increase in divorce rates and unemployment. For instance, if you’re visiting your lover or slacking off at a café instead of being where you claim to be, the consequences can be detrimental. Read the Terms of Service, search “privacy settings,” paying very close attention to this new NEW Twitter feature, before strapping on your jetpack.
4. Speed of Light Dating:
Twitter is well aware that a large percentage of users are there to flirt and eventually hookup for sex. Thus in 2012 Twitter makes it fast and efficient to cut out the busywork of cyber dating.
In a new side panel, only available via the web version, you will be able to enter in the @ username of whichever person has begun sending you nudes and DM flirtations. Quite similar to the “Super Block” button this function instantly, in lightning speed, retrieves the genetic coding of your potential one-night stand, and processes it through a system called: “STD: Statistical Truth Dating” which assesses the possible suitor’s heritage. It also downloads a transcribed list of stored memories nestled inside their temporal lobe. All of which allows each party to be aware of past sexual history, failed relationship truths, family dynamics and any illegal impulses a person may have.
NOTE: As a bonus this brilliant feature also provides an important heads-up for Social Media climbers attempting to harness professional and seemingly friendly “relationships.” Pop in the @ username of any “Social Media Guru” and get the facts on which butt is worth kissing and which should be swiftly kicked to the curb.
5. Out of this World Monetization:
In an effort to throw aliens off track, before they annihilate us and destroy planet earth, Twitter partners with NASA to create an intricate financial system that pays Americans for each character they tweet.
All 140 character messages are blasted into hyperspace landing directly in the hands of hostile extraterrestrials. In tech terms this is referred to as a tweet rocket. This rocket is devised to confuse space aliens by perpetually clogging their highly advanced brains with mass disinformation. The funds allotted per tweet become a part of the participating tweeters future social security payments, of which currently there are none. But the government promises change.
NOTE: This financial functionality is only available for United States Citizens because Aliens don’t pay attention to what foreigners are doing (for more documentation on this fact, watch a Hollywood movie.)
Are there any other futuristic Twitter features you’ve heard will appear in the 2012 relaunch? Or features you would love to have? Please list them below. We would love to hear from you.
Author name: Christina Kingston
Bio: Christina Kingston is a humor writer of fiction and non-fiction. She has written professionally on the cult of celebrity, fashion, gossip, music, travel and nightlife. She also works as a social media strategist. You can follow Christina on Twitter @CtKscribe and visit her f’king witty blog CtKingston.com. If you are a Facebook user, you might want to check out Kingston’s post “A Kick-Ass Way to Streamline Your Facebook Experience“. Want to know more about Christina, her blog and testimonials? Check out her ‘About‘ page.
My views: If you’re not following Christina on Twitter (or) connect with her in Facebook yet, you’re missing something awesome! She is such a terrific person to engage with; talk straight with you; bold, smart, creative, entertaining, sarcastically humorous… Well, need I say more; just follow her! Sample: this post.
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